It became harder, after Clea — the real one — explained. Wasn't long after that I met Esquie. [The legend who finds people in their lowest moments, created to rescue the boy Verso never was.] Gestrals are easier — made of wood, thick as two short planks. Told a few about the Painting and they didn't care, just wanted me to face them in a fight. [He won.
Verso can feel that now familiar mix of longing and guilt though their bond. One car ride and things are already complicated again. But Verso is... tired. Always so tired. And loving Vanitas is easy.] Sleep in my bed tonight? [Just sleep. But he can't be apart from him right now. Not for long.]
I imagine so... I'm glad you found a friend in him though. [Even if Verso was never that boy, in his heart he still needed rescuing. Still does.] Heh... Bet you trashed their asses. [After their sparring session, he finds it hard to believe anyone could easily best Verso.
Pull the vehicle to a stop, Vanitas takes the opportunity to simply lean against Verso, clawed hand seeking out on his to hold.] Of course. For as long as you'd like. [Vincent and Aether could handle being without him for a few nights. This is important. To both of them.]
Held my own. [Trounced them.] The art of subtlety is a bit lost on them. Not much strategy going on.
[Verso takes his hand, pulls him close and breaths him in in a shaky breath.] I... [His words stick in his throat. Teasing is easy, even making requests he can manage, but expressing just how much he needs Vanitas, how there is simply no other option for him but to stand at his side, that... the words won't come. So he changes the subject.]
Bit before this, I told your nice angel boy — Aether — we should go for dinner. Seemed to think I'm leading you on, not letting you make your own choices? [Verso sounds more amused than anything. As complicated as Vanitas' romantic entanglements are, he truly can't imagine that impression lasting more than five minutes of seeing the two of them together.]
Heh, all brawn and no brains, then? [That makes him smile as he imagines Verso dancing circles around his opponents.
It's so easy though, to let himself get swept up in the moment, to give in to his soul's inclination to be close. But this is fine, he tells himself, there's nothing inherently wrong with them holding one another and supporting each other during a tough time. So long as that's all they do. All he can afford to. Even when it seems like Verso wishes to say more.
Yet he frowns at whatever must have been going through Aether's mind.] That's simply not true. I know you wouldn't do that. Besides-- [He can't help scowling a bit.] --I always do what I want. Not what anyone else would have me do.
[As if to prove it to both Verso and himself, he grabs the man by the shirt collar and pulls him down, stealing a kiss, long and languid.]
[Verso chuckles against his lips, following the slow kiss with a swift one.] I know that. Can only force you to do what you already wanted. And only if I don't make it obvious that's what I want. [Vanitas had the personality of a cat long before he received his natural soul, and Verso is so very, very fond.]
He'll come around. Just cares about you. Needs to see I love you first hand. [Truthfully, Verso thinks it's funny that Aether believes Verso is the one trying to control Vanitas, when he's in the front row for Vincent's actions. But Vanitas is right, he's stubborn, and with his bonds to the two of them, they're staying in his life. No other option.]
[Vanitas' ears flick lightly and his tongue darts out to savor the lingering taste with a wistful look.] So if you know that much, you could be trying to bluff me into doing something. [He's totally teasing, as is evident by the cat-like curve of his lips and the flicking of his tails. Even if Verso was trying to pull a fast one, it's likely that Vanitas would see through it and simply do the exact opposite.]
I hope so... I want you two at least to get along. Since I know you care about me. [He clutches at Verso's shirt, letting his head bow against him, unable to use that one word he always gets hung up on, even now. Speaking of which...] ...how do you say it so easily? [The question is murmured quietly as his claws twist in the fabric of Verso's attire.]
Suspect I've had more of it in my life than you, mon petit chaton. That helps. [He brushes Vanitas' fringe out of his eyes, then trails his fingers down his cheek.] And... [he pauses, organising his words before speaking them, not wanting to open up the possibility of misunderstandings.] It's something I want to make sure you know. Don't need you to believe me, or understand, really. But you need to know. [So he'll say it, over and over.]
...heh. Probably so... [That much he can't deny, as much as he might want to for the sake of appearances. To preserve his pride and resolve. Vanitas' unnaturally blue eyes turn upward to gaze into Verso's face, lips tugging down in a thoughtful frown.] And it doesn't matter to you that I can't return those feelings? Or if I do, I-- [He seems to shrink in on himself as feelings of guilt overwhelm him. Hurriedly, he pulls away, breathing harder than he'd like and with cheeks red.] --sorry. I shouldn't even have asked.
[Verso's expression turns soft.] You have me. You have my love. No matter what you do, what you don't. [His shoulder lifts in a shrug.] You are what I need, not your actions or your emotions: you are enough.
[But he knows what Vanitas' emotions are, sometimes better than he knows his own. The raw weight of Vanitas' fears and desire to be loved warring with his certainty that he is undeserving of even the smallest kindness, it all flows through their connection.]
That doesn't make any sense... [He sounds on the verge of tears, frustration leaking through as he struggles to understand why someone as wonderful and caring as Verso would ever find him to simply be enough. How he doesn't have to exchange behavior or feelings for that love. Maybe he really is just too deprived of affection to ever grasp this concept.] Even after everything, with me leading you on and using you... You still... You still...
[He swallows, raking his fingers through his bangs as he hunches over, trying to hide the few droplets slipping free from his eyes. How they got here from a jaunty ride, he doesn't know, but part of him wishes to flee, to hide where Verso can't see him.]
[Too bad. Vanitas promised to sleep with Verso already, and he's holding him to that. He places a hand on Vanitas' back, sends calm and reassurance through their bond as best he can.]
Still love you. Still want you to know I love you.
[He doesn't know that his love is worth anything at all, but Vanitas deserves as much as he can take, and Verso only has his own to give.]
[He may have to be bodily hauled into bed, but once there, Vanitas wouldn't have the heart to leave, especially after everything. Even now, he finds himself gradually sinking against Verso out of a desperate need for reassurance, to feel his touch. It leads to him dropping his hands from his reddening eyes to hug the man beside him.]
Me too... [Even if he can't say it so easily, that doesn't change how he feels.] I adore you so much, even though I shouldn't, even though I can't give you the same thing in return...
[Maybe Verso doesn't think his love is worth much, but to Vanitas there's very little more precious than it.]
[Something that would certainly make him laugh after the fact, for sure. It would be rather hilarious to be picked up like a common house cat and plunked on the bed.]
...really? You seriously mean that?
[The confusion is evident in his voice, his perplexed expression making it even more clear. He still can't wrap his mind around anyone wanting him for who he is, let alone multiple people. It defies all reason to him.]
Because... I don't deserve you. Your unconditional love. And... I promised Vince... [He still doesn't quite grasp that he can love someone and not be intimate with them in that sense. Or maybe he's just greedy and wants it all.]
[He ruffles his wings, half spreading them to show their inky black feathers.] With my whole heart. [His wings — strange though they are — make his life easier in these moments. He can confirm even the most outlandish of truths, though Vanitas is the only one who would doubt it.]
Not a matter of deserving it: it is yours. Take it, discard it, hold it close to you, I will give you more. Every day. [Verso will pour so much love into Vanitas that he'll get sick of him, but he still wouldn't — couldn't — stop the overflow.]
Don't think you've broken that promise yet. I won't let you break it with me. [His resolve might fray, but the best way to show Vanitas that love and sex are not the same is by demonstrating it. He doesn't regret his plan to break Vincent and Vanitas up, though he should. What he regrets is that it makes the lines murkier, makes it harder to show that his unconditional love is just that: unconditional.]
[He watches those wings, eyes narrowing a fraction as he searches for any evidence of a lie, the faintest hint of untruth. Yet when he's met with nothing but darkness, his feline features relax as relief washes over him. It's like all the fierce determination drains away and he's left exhausted.] Mmm... Still don't get why, but... [He'll accept it all the same.]
That's the problem-- I want more than I should, Verso... I want to snatch every last bit from you, make it - and you - mine... [Hesitantly, he reaches a clawed hand up to pet over Verso's cheek. Biting his lip, his gaze flicks between Verso's eyes and the man's mouth.]
Even if I wanted to? [He's not going to, and yet he can't help asking, as if testing the waters to see how much he could get away with, out here away from everything and everyone. Nobody would know. It would be their little secret.]
[His soft smile grows softer.] You have me, Vanitas. [He raises Vanitas' fingers to his lips and presses a kiss to his knuckles.] I am yours.
If you wanted to, [he pauses, deliberately thinking about it,] perhaps. But you don't want the consequences. You don't want to hurt him. [And despite Verso's previous actions, now they're both in Vanitas' mind, he doesn't want Vincent to hurt either.]
That's what makes it so hard... [He closes his eyes as a couple tears slip free out of frustration, with both the situation and himself.] You say you're mine, yet I can't do anything about it. With you. Even though I still want to.
[He runs a thumb over Verso's bottom lip, teasing it gently.] I don't... I don't want to hurt either of you anymore. [Sighing, he rests his other hand at the back of Verso's neck and leans in, wiggling closer.] Look at me, being selfish even now. You're the one who needs looking after. The one who went missing for weeks.
[The number of ways he wants to stop those tears.] What is it you want to do? Be close to me? Show me love? [Whether Vanitas realises it or not, he shows he loves him every day.] Don't need sex for that.
[He holds him close, pressing their bodies together, so Vanitas can feel his warmth, his presence, understand that he's here.] Going missing is easy, being left behind — that's harder. [Particularly for Vanitas, who is so used to those he loves leaving. Verso doesn't want to be one of them. Won't be one of them.]
[Somehow he manages to with just those questions, because they're things Vanitas has never really considered before. He's always just gone with what he feels compelled to do, not the why.] I... Yeah. To show you how much you mean to me, to share in something special...
[Thankfully those words, that sex isn't necessary for these things, helps ease the longing to some small degree. The other part is just that he's a horny teenager with a feline soul inside him, but still. He settles against Verso readily, head tilted up to stare at his face with clear adoration.] I guess that's true. Maybe that's why you kept trying to die, huh? Because it's harder to be the one left living... [They're not so different, are they?]
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Verso can feel that now familiar mix of longing and guilt though their bond. One car ride and things are already complicated again. But Verso is... tired. Always so tired. And loving Vanitas is easy.] Sleep in my bed tonight? [Just sleep. But he can't be apart from him right now. Not for long.]
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Pull the vehicle to a stop, Vanitas takes the opportunity to simply lean against Verso, clawed hand seeking out on his to hold.] Of course. For as long as you'd like. [Vincent and Aether could handle being without him for a few nights. This is important. To both of them.]
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[Verso takes his hand, pulls him close and breaths him in in a shaky breath.] I... [His words stick in his throat. Teasing is easy, even making requests he can manage, but expressing just how much he needs Vanitas, how there is simply no other option for him but to stand at his side, that... the words won't come. So he changes the subject.]
Bit before this, I told your nice angel boy — Aether — we should go for dinner. Seemed to think I'm leading you on, not letting you make your own choices? [Verso sounds more amused than anything. As complicated as Vanitas' romantic entanglements are, he truly can't imagine that impression lasting more than five minutes of seeing the two of them together.]
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It's so easy though, to let himself get swept up in the moment, to give in to his soul's inclination to be close. But this is fine, he tells himself, there's nothing inherently wrong with them holding one another and supporting each other during a tough time. So long as that's all they do. All he can afford to. Even when it seems like Verso wishes to say more.
Yet he frowns at whatever must have been going through Aether's mind.] That's simply not true. I know you wouldn't do that. Besides-- [He can't help scowling a bit.] --I always do what I want. Not what anyone else would have me do.
[As if to prove it to both Verso and himself, he grabs the man by the shirt collar and pulls him down, stealing a kiss, long and languid.]
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He'll come around. Just cares about you. Needs to see I love you first hand. [Truthfully, Verso thinks it's funny that Aether believes Verso is the one trying to control Vanitas, when he's in the front row for Vincent's actions. But Vanitas is right, he's stubborn, and with his bonds to the two of them, they're staying in his life. No other option.]
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I hope so... I want you two at least to get along. Since I know you care about me. [He clutches at Verso's shirt, letting his head bow against him, unable to use that one word he always gets hung up on, even now. Speaking of which...] ...how do you say it so easily? [The question is murmured quietly as his claws twist in the fabric of Verso's attire.]
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[But he knows what Vanitas' emotions are, sometimes better than he knows his own. The raw weight of Vanitas' fears and desire to be loved warring with his certainty that he is undeserving of even the smallest kindness, it all flows through their connection.]
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[He swallows, raking his fingers through his bangs as he hunches over, trying to hide the few droplets slipping free from his eyes. How they got here from a jaunty ride, he doesn't know, but part of him wishes to flee, to hide where Verso can't see him.]
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Still love you. Still want you to know I love you.
[He doesn't know that his love is worth anything at all, but Vanitas deserves as much as he can take, and Verso only has his own to give.]
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Me too... [Even if he can't say it so easily, that doesn't change how he feels.] I adore you so much, even though I shouldn't, even though I can't give you the same thing in return...
[Maybe Verso doesn't think his love is worth much, but to Vanitas there's very little more precious than it.]
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Don't need the same, same would be boring. Prefer you.
[These moments, Vanitas' age comes through. He is so, so young, and hasn't had any time to learn the things children are supposed to.]
Why do you think you shouldn't, mon amour? [He suspects Vanitas' reasons are different to his own.]
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...really? You seriously mean that?
[The confusion is evident in his voice, his perplexed expression making it even more clear. He still can't wrap his mind around anyone wanting him for who he is, let alone multiple people. It defies all reason to him.]
Because... I don't deserve you. Your unconditional love. And... I promised Vince... [He still doesn't quite grasp that he can love someone and not be intimate with them in that sense. Or maybe he's just greedy and wants it all.]
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Not a matter of deserving it: it is yours. Take it, discard it, hold it close to you, I will give you more. Every day. [Verso will pour so much love into Vanitas that he'll get sick of him, but he still wouldn't — couldn't — stop the overflow.]
Don't think you've broken that promise yet. I won't let you break it with me. [His resolve might fray, but the best way to show Vanitas that love and sex are not the same is by demonstrating it. He doesn't regret his plan to break Vincent and Vanitas up, though he should. What he regrets is that it makes the lines murkier, makes it harder to show that his unconditional love is just that: unconditional.]
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That's the problem-- I want more than I should, Verso... I want to snatch every last bit from you, make it - and you - mine... [Hesitantly, he reaches a clawed hand up to pet over Verso's cheek. Biting his lip, his gaze flicks between Verso's eyes and the man's mouth.]
Even if I wanted to? [He's not going to, and yet he can't help asking, as if testing the waters to see how much he could get away with, out here away from everything and everyone. Nobody would know. It would be their little secret.]
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If you wanted to, [he pauses, deliberately thinking about it,] perhaps. But you don't want the consequences. You don't want to hurt him. [And despite Verso's previous actions, now they're both in Vanitas' mind, he doesn't want Vincent to hurt either.]
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[He runs a thumb over Verso's bottom lip, teasing it gently.] I don't... I don't want to hurt either of you anymore. [Sighing, he rests his other hand at the back of Verso's neck and leans in, wiggling closer.] Look at me, being selfish even now. You're the one who needs looking after. The one who went missing for weeks.
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[He holds him close, pressing their bodies together, so Vanitas can feel his warmth, his presence, understand that he's here.] Going missing is easy, being left behind — that's harder. [Particularly for Vanitas, who is so used to those he loves leaving. Verso doesn't want to be one of them. Won't be one of them.]
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[Thankfully those words, that sex isn't necessary for these things, helps ease the longing to some small degree. The other part is just that he's a horny teenager with a feline soul inside him, but still. He settles against Verso readily, head tilted up to stare at his face with clear adoration.] I guess that's true. Maybe that's why you kept trying to die, huh? Because it's harder to be the one left living... [They're not so different, are they?]