[ The truth is, it's neither. He probably wanted to say something to get Vanitas to start talking. But he doesn't have to say anything at all, because Vanitas does it himself, voice completely cold and lacking any of the warmth that they'd been sharing for the past few months. That ice hits him like another knife being driven in his heart, and it triggers a part of him that he thought he'd buried, the part where he feared that Vanitas would leave.
He's pretty convinced that this is what's going to happen. That might be why he finally speaks, despite his exhaustion, why he chooses to lash out in the way he does when he's feeling extremely passionate about something and wants to get his point across...but with an added punch to it. Something like desperation mixed in with his own frustration. ]
Did you seriously expect me to do nothing when the man who gave you hell for years said he'd found you again? Beat him up and risk having the army of his assistants find you and take over his work for him? Allow him to deploy all of his scummy, underhanded tactics to take you away and hurt you again?!
[ He's raising his voice. He doesn't expect to get through to the other at all, but he has to try. ]
[It's rather unfortunate that this is how their conversation has started off, but really, could it have gone any other way? Vanitas is highly doubtful of that, for so many reasons. He doesn't want this, either, never wanted anything of the sort to ever happen, and yet it did. All because Noé allowed himself to become a pawn in Moreau's sick and twisted experiments.
He hears Noé's pain and frustration, the hint of fear, he thinks, but all of it falls upon deaf ears for Vanitas. After they had confessed and admitted their feelings, he thought they would be in everything as a couple. Partners. Teammates. Lovers. Not... not this. It makes him so frustrated as well, along with angry and hurt to the point of almost feeling like crying. Yet he refuses to allow that to happen, instead standing abruptly with fists clenched at his sides, like he's ready for a fight.]
No! I expected you to do what you always claim we should be doing in the first place - working together! How is taking on this burden all on your own treating me like an equal, huh?! Stop looking down on me, damn it! I'm not the same child I was back then--!!
[He's outright yelling, not bothering to care what others might think of their argument.]
[ The worst part is, Vanitas is right. No matter how Noé might try to justify his reasoning, that fact remains true: He did not, in this moment, work with Vanitas and treat him like an equal. He wanted to play the role of protector in the same way he wished he could've protected Louis, Domi, even. Someone who is still struggling to grasp the concept that he needs to trust that Vanitas (and Dominique, at that) can handle himself no matter what comes his way. ]
I-!
[ But the one who is the same child from back then isn't Vanitas. It's Noé, who can't let go of his own shortcomings from the past, who keeps feeling the need to overcompensate for everything he couldn't do for Louis or Dominique, afraid that he'll fail Vanitas, and in the end...
...he managed to do that anyway. He doesn't have any sort of retaliation, and this realization finally begins to dawn on him. It shows all over his face, in how it goes from being enraged to actually terrified. It's the same look he wore when he felt like giving up his True Name. He'd honestly rather give up his True Name than his relationship with Vanitas, but it might be too late to salvage this.
So instead, he retracts into himself like he did as a child, and he hunches over, hiding his face, not wanting to show his face. He's usually fine with showing his emotions. This time, though, he's trying to hide them away. ]
...You're right. You're right... [ His voice is quiet. It's so unlike him to fold this easily but the word together is really what made him crumble. ] I...I couldn't stand the thought of him laying his eyes on you...and I – I didn't even consider...
[Honestly, this is one time Vanitas wishes he weren't right. That Noé hadn't gone behind his back on whim and allowed himself to be captured and experimented on for the sole purpose of aiding him, for keeping him safe. Because now the guilt will never go away, and who knows what Moreau may have learned by taking the blood and other samples from an Archiviste. He's certain that didn't even occur to his idiot lover. He was too focused on protecting him, making sure Moreau would never touch him again.
And that's why he's so damn angry: because once again, someone got hurt because of him. And not just anyone, but his most precious person, the one he loves more than anything and anyone else in this horrible, disgusting world. While Vanitas' rage boils within his veins, he glares at his companion. Partner. Lover. Not once did Noé think to involve him in this, treating him instead like the helpless waif he was back then. It's infuriating and drives him mad with indignation. He's done everything he can to be the master of his own destiny; he doesn't need someone else taking that out of his hands.
Stalking over to stand before Noé, for a time he just remains there, silent. Listening, with fists clenched. The temptation to hit him is strong, but that's not the kind of relationship he wants to have, not the kind of person he wants to be.]
No, you didn't. You took your sanctimonious ideas and ran with them. Left me to clean up the mess. You can't do this Noé. Not only will I not stand for it, but we won't last if you do.
[ It didn't occur to him. These things never do whenever someone he loves is in jeopardy. That's one of Noé's biggest weaknesses, the inability to think when he senses any sort of danger. It's what happened earlier, what caused them to fight in the park. And the threat of their relationship being cut off is real. He doesn't have any defense for himself. ]
...Okay.
[ His voice is shaky, but at the very least, it doesn't sound like he's just saying it to appease Vanitas. There's something firm behind his voice even if it's wavering that shows some amount of understanding. It's going to be something he'll have to mull over for a while, but he does at least understand that this sort of behavior is going to be a very real problem if he doesn't stop.
He has nothing more to say. Apologies mean nothing here even if he does feel guilty more than anything else. All he can do is just say it one more time after a brief pause to reaffirm that he's trying to listen. ]
[For his part, Vanitas finally starts to relax once it seems like Noé has gotten the message. He's still pissed, of course, but he's less blindly raging out of anger itself. It hurts to be the one scolding his lover, but it was something that needed to be done in order for him to understand where he went wrong and why Vanitas was so pained by his actions. Maybe he doesn't completely understand yet, but they're getting there.]
...good.
[Standing before Noé, he gently strokes the other man's hair, expression settling into a strong frown. One that's pained. It had seemed like they were making such strong progress, but he supposes there will always be advances and hurdles along the way. When he speaks, it's surprisingly soft, devoid of the previous anger that had permeated his tone.]
.......please don't. I'm begging you, Noé. Don't make me hate myself even more...
[ Once he feels Vanitas' hand land on his head, his shoulders hitch. He still can't quite look at him, almost feeling like he has no right to show how upset he is over this because he's the one who disrespected his lover, not the other way around. So he keeps his head down as his hands ball into fists on his knees. That he made Vanitas hate himself more is what gets him to start shaking, clearly trying to hold back tears but failing to keep them from falling. ]
I'm sorry, Vanitas. I don't want you to hate yourself. I acted rashly because I didn't want you to suffer again.
[ He's finally trying to explain himself, even if he doesn't think it'll change anything. He lowers his head more, ashamed of how much of a mess he is when this is really his fault. ]
I couldn't do anything for Louis...and I couldn't stop Domi from getting hurt, and I didn't want to fail you, too...but I ended up doing it anyway...
[Oh. Oh no... Getting Noé to cry wasn't ever the intended goal. Only to make him aware of just what it was that he was doing... Still, he supposes there's no getting around some painfulness this time around, either with himself or Noé. So he merely strokes through those strands again and again, letting Noé feel the love he still has for him despite everything. Then he's cradling his lover's head in his arms, letting him rest against his chest to he can hear his heartbeat.]
I know. I understand why you did it. That's not why I got angry. I was upset because you tried to handle everything on your own. ...like me. Don't make my mistakes, I'm begging you. I'm not someone you want to emulate.
[Leaning down to rest his head upon Noé's, Vanitas tries to sooth him with gentle noises, one hand going to his back to rub small circles.]
You did your best. You just... forgot to think things through. That's you big flaw. We'll work on it, alright? Together.
[ Now that his head's against Vanitas' chest, he's able to keep it there while wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. He's crying quite a lot, because he feels so awful that he made Vanitas that angry, and yeah. He did give Moreau some samples to work with, which also feels shitty, but he can't take it back. He's beating himself up, upset with himself for hurting his partner that badly.
But...that he wants to work through this together still really means a lot. More than words can ever express. So Noé nods through his tears, still furiously wiping at his eyes but hearing Vanitas all the same. ]
O-of course. I don't want to do this without you anymore.
[And Vanitas is well aware that Noé is likely having a hard time of it, on top of being tortured for a day or so. That alone is enough to make him treat his partner all the more gently now that he's gotten the message across. That's the important part. That they're finally on the same page, understanding one another. It's not seeing eye-to-eye that hurts most, he thinks.
Sighing quietly, he carefully runs his fingers through Noé's hair repeatedly, combing out the tangles and making note of the cut locks that need trimming thanks to Moreau taking samples. He's just relieved he didn't take one of Noé's fangs or something...]
Then don't. I'm right here. Here for you. And I need you here for me, got it? What if it had been a trap and someone wanted me left unguarded, huh? Without you, I'd.....
[ Noé leans into Vanitas' touch because it helps him finally start to calm down, and he feels himself savoring it like it might be gone tomorrow. Thankfully both of his fangs are in tact, but Moreau had mentioned that the next thing to go would be one of his limbs, so...you know.
Noé finally lifts his head, tear-stained eyes gazing up at Vanitas, expression still filled with remorse. ]
I won't go anywhere. I mean it this time. I – I don't want to lose you in any way...so...please...
[ He's not even bringing up everything he went through at the lab. He's far more distressed by the thought of them separating because of his mistakes. ]
[Then it's a good thing Vanitas arrived when he did. Because that's no joke, even if Noé managed to reattach his hand once. That wasn't funny! It was damn scary!! Crazy ass vampires and their wacky biology...
All the fire that once filled Vanitas' gaze is gone, replaced by love and affection in equal measure. He pets Noé like a cat, over and over again.]
Thank you... I don't wish to lose you, either. Do you know how frightened I was when you didn't come home...
[Didn't come back to him? How his heard filled with dread when he knew something horrible must have happened.]
[ He knows he messed up. He feels so awful for worrying Vanitas so much. Never mind his own injuries, he feels far worse for what transpired here in their room. ]
I'm sorry... I want to come home to you all the time, and I – I won't leave. I don't want you to leave, either. I'm so sorry, Vanitas.
[ Maybe he's apologizing way too much, but he still feels so raw about the whole thing. ]
[He can tell how badly Noé feels simply by how much he's apologizing. It's a touch excessive, even for what all occurred, and it makes Vanitas worry for Noé's well-being.]
So long as you return to me, then all is well... And for what it's worth, I'm grateful that I mean so much that you'd put your life on the line.
[Even though he hates the thought of anything happening to him, the gesture itself is sweet.]
I will. I always planned on coming home. I thought...I could handle it. That's why I agreed to it...
[ Because he'd rather be the one getting beat up than see Vanitas suffer again, but he's slowly realizing that this isn't actually what Vanitas wants. He's really going to need to start considering that more often. ]
Thank you. I was worried for a second that you really wanted out.
[ And he lets out a shaky breath at that before he finally wraps his arms around his companion. His ring catches some light for a second and the glint makes him look; he reminds himself to protect their bond at all costs. And protecting it means letting Vanitas in. ]
You take on far too much... You don't need to guard me so closely.
[Despite it making him feel terribly warm and loved, he doesn't want it to be at Noé's expense. Never that. So he sighs, eyes closing briefly as he cradles the vampire's face in his hands.]
Out...? Of our relationship? Ma moitié... You said you'd never let me be free. We exchanged rings. I intend to hold you to that promise.
[He gladly embraces Noé with a soft hum, one hand coming up to pet through his hair. He, too, glances at his own ring, the memory of receiving it still vivid in his mind and enough to cause him to rest his head against Noé's shoulder with another, content sigh.]
[ He pulls Vanitas down so they're on the bed together again, not trying to do anything suggestive, just wanting to keep him close. He buries his nose into the other's hair and his hold on him is tighter than usual. ]
I would fight tooth and nail for you. You know that, right? Especially after tonight.
[ And he's pretty sure his dreams won't be pleasant, but at least they'll be with Vanitas. ]
Ah, I see... Then it's not that you're fighting for me, but for us. That's an important distinction, I think.
[Honestly, part of him want to reassure Noé that it'd take a hell of a lot more than that to drive him away, but... maybe letting him worry a little would be good. Though he's distracted by Noé's offer to let him get his revenge against Moreau.]
You'd really let me at him...? You, who can't stand cruelty and unfair tactics!
[It's a little surprising, honestly. Though perhaps not as much as Vanitas thinks...]
[ And while Vanitas' assessment is right, consider this. Noé hates Moreau. Moreau is probably one of the only people he's ever thought about killing with his own two hands. ]
And you're also right. I can't stand it. But I'd think it's far more cruel to deny you of getting some hits in.
[ He lets out a tired sigh and draws back a little to look at Vanitas. His eyes are red from all the crying he did, but his gaze looks soft, grateful for his companion, and he leans in to give the other a gentle, loving kiss. ]
Then...we'll go together. I promise I won't leave you behind again. And...
[ One more kiss for good measure. ]
Thank you for being my better half tonight. I love you, Vani.
[Just to make sure, he wipes those last few tears away, carefully brushing his fingers over Noé's cheek. The kiss is met halfway, eager to make sure Noé knows for a fact that he's no longer mad at him now that they've reached an understanding about why he was so pissed in the first place.]
Thank you... I'd much prefer that.
[This time it's Vanitas' turn to regard his lover with gratitude and compassion, before he touches their foreheads together.]
It's my honor. Because I love you as well, Noé. More than you can fathom.
[ And despite everything that's happened, Vanitas still manages to get Noé to smile. It's incredibly soft and sweet, and he reaches for Vanitas' hands to give them a little squeeze. ]
Thank you...
[ He closes his eyes, finally feeling at ease next to his partner. ]
You're so strong, Vani. What I went through was awful enough...so that you're here...makes me all the more grateful that I got to meet you.
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He's pretty convinced that this is what's going to happen. That might be why he finally speaks, despite his exhaustion, why he chooses to lash out in the way he does when he's feeling extremely passionate about something and wants to get his point across...but with an added punch to it. Something like desperation mixed in with his own frustration. ]
Did you seriously expect me to do nothing when the man who gave you hell for years said he'd found you again? Beat him up and risk having the army of his assistants find you and take over his work for him? Allow him to deploy all of his scummy, underhanded tactics to take you away and hurt you again?!
[ He's raising his voice. He doesn't expect to get through to the other at all, but he has to try. ]
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He hears Noé's pain and frustration, the hint of fear, he thinks, but all of it falls upon deaf ears for Vanitas. After they had confessed and admitted their feelings, he thought they would be in everything as a couple. Partners. Teammates. Lovers. Not... not this. It makes him so frustrated as well, along with angry and hurt to the point of almost feeling like crying. Yet he refuses to allow that to happen, instead standing abruptly with fists clenched at his sides, like he's ready for a fight.]
No! I expected you to do what you always claim we should be doing in the first place - working together! How is taking on this burden all on your own treating me like an equal, huh?! Stop looking down on me, damn it! I'm not the same child I was back then--!!
[He's outright yelling, not bothering to care what others might think of their argument.]
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I-!
[ But the one who is the same child from back then isn't Vanitas. It's Noé, who can't let go of his own shortcomings from the past, who keeps feeling the need to overcompensate for everything he couldn't do for Louis or Dominique, afraid that he'll fail Vanitas, and in the end...
...he managed to do that anyway. He doesn't have any sort of retaliation, and this realization finally begins to dawn on him. It shows all over his face, in how it goes from being enraged to actually terrified. It's the same look he wore when he felt like giving up his True Name. He'd honestly rather give up his True Name than his relationship with Vanitas, but it might be too late to salvage this.
So instead, he retracts into himself like he did as a child, and he hunches over, hiding his face, not wanting to show his face. He's usually fine with showing his emotions. This time, though, he's trying to hide them away. ]
...You're right. You're right... [ His voice is quiet. It's so unlike him to fold this easily but the word together is really what made him crumble. ] I...I couldn't stand the thought of him laying his eyes on you...and I – I didn't even consider...
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And that's why he's so damn angry: because once again, someone got hurt because of him. And not just anyone, but his most precious person, the one he loves more than anything and anyone else in this horrible, disgusting world. While Vanitas' rage boils within his veins, he glares at his companion. Partner. Lover. Not once did Noé think to involve him in this, treating him instead like the helpless waif he was back then. It's infuriating and drives him mad with indignation. He's done everything he can to be the master of his own destiny; he doesn't need someone else taking that out of his hands.
Stalking over to stand before Noé, for a time he just remains there, silent. Listening, with fists clenched. The temptation to hit him is strong, but that's not the kind of relationship he wants to have, not the kind of person he wants to be.]
No, you didn't. You took your sanctimonious ideas and ran with them. Left me to clean up the mess. You can't do this Noé. Not only will I not stand for it, but we won't last if you do.
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...Okay.
[ His voice is shaky, but at the very least, it doesn't sound like he's just saying it to appease Vanitas. There's something firm behind his voice even if it's wavering that shows some amount of understanding. It's going to be something he'll have to mull over for a while, but he does at least understand that this sort of behavior is going to be a very real problem if he doesn't stop.
He has nothing more to say. Apologies mean nothing here even if he does feel guilty more than anything else. All he can do is just say it one more time after a brief pause to reaffirm that he's trying to listen. ]
I won't do it again.
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...good.
[Standing before Noé, he gently strokes the other man's hair, expression settling into a strong frown. One that's pained. It had seemed like they were making such strong progress, but he supposes there will always be advances and hurdles along the way. When he speaks, it's surprisingly soft, devoid of the previous anger that had permeated his tone.]
.......please don't. I'm begging you, Noé. Don't make me hate myself even more...
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I'm sorry, Vanitas. I don't want you to hate yourself. I acted rashly because I didn't want you to suffer again.
[ He's finally trying to explain himself, even if he doesn't think it'll change anything. He lowers his head more, ashamed of how much of a mess he is when this is really his fault. ]
I couldn't do anything for Louis...and I couldn't stop Domi from getting hurt, and I didn't want to fail you, too...but I ended up doing it anyway...
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I know. I understand why you did it. That's not why I got angry. I was upset because you tried to handle everything on your own. ...like me. Don't make my mistakes, I'm begging you. I'm not someone you want to emulate.
[Leaning down to rest his head upon Noé's, Vanitas tries to sooth him with gentle noises, one hand going to his back to rub small circles.]
You did your best. You just... forgot to think things through. That's you big flaw. We'll work on it, alright? Together.
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But...that he wants to work through this together still really means a lot. More than words can ever express. So Noé nods through his tears, still furiously wiping at his eyes but hearing Vanitas all the same. ]
O-of course. I don't want to do this without you anymore.
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Sighing quietly, he carefully runs his fingers through Noé's hair repeatedly, combing out the tangles and making note of the cut locks that need trimming thanks to Moreau taking samples. He's just relieved he didn't take one of Noé's fangs or something...]
Then don't. I'm right here. Here for you. And I need you here for me, got it? What if it had been a trap and someone wanted me left unguarded, huh? Without you, I'd.....
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Noé finally lifts his head, tear-stained eyes gazing up at Vanitas, expression still filled with remorse. ]
I won't go anywhere. I mean it this time. I – I don't want to lose you in any way...so...please...
[ He's not even bringing up everything he went through at the lab. He's far more distressed by the thought of them separating because of his mistakes. ]
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All the fire that once filled Vanitas' gaze is gone, replaced by love and affection in equal measure. He pets Noé like a cat, over and over again.]
Thank you... I don't wish to lose you, either. Do you know how frightened I was when you didn't come home...
[Didn't come back to him? How his heard filled with dread when he knew something horrible must have happened.]
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[ He knows he messed up. He feels so awful for worrying Vanitas so much. Never mind his own injuries, he feels far worse for what transpired here in their room. ]
I'm sorry... I want to come home to you all the time, and I – I won't leave. I don't want you to leave, either. I'm so sorry, Vanitas.
[ Maybe he's apologizing way too much, but he still feels so raw about the whole thing. ]
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[He can tell how badly Noé feels simply by how much he's apologizing. It's a touch excessive, even for what all occurred, and it makes Vanitas worry for Noé's well-being.]
So long as you return to me, then all is well... And for what it's worth, I'm grateful that I mean so much that you'd put your life on the line.
[Even though he hates the thought of anything happening to him, the gesture itself is sweet.]
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[ Because he'd rather be the one getting beat up than see Vanitas suffer again, but he's slowly realizing that this isn't actually what Vanitas wants. He's really going to need to start considering that more often. ]
Thank you. I was worried for a second that you really wanted out.
[ And he lets out a shaky breath at that before he finally wraps his arms around his companion. His ring catches some light for a second and the glint makes him look; he reminds himself to protect their bond at all costs. And protecting it means letting Vanitas in. ]
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[Despite it making him feel terribly warm and loved, he doesn't want it to be at Noé's expense. Never that. So he sighs, eyes closing briefly as he cradles the vampire's face in his hands.]
Out...? Of our relationship? Ma moitié... You said you'd never let me be free. We exchanged rings. I intend to hold you to that promise.
[He gladly embraces Noé with a soft hum, one hand coming up to pet through his hair. He, too, glances at his own ring, the memory of receiving it still vivid in his mind and enough to cause him to rest his head against Noé's shoulder with another, content sigh.]
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[ He pulls Vanitas down so they're on the bed together again, not trying to do anything suggestive, just wanting to keep him close. He buries his nose into the other's hair and his hold on him is tighter than usual. ]
I would fight tooth and nail for you. You know that, right? Especially after tonight.
[ And he's pretty sure his dreams won't be pleasant, but at least they'll be with Vanitas. ]
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[Recognizing the gesture for what it is, he helps Noé keep them both together by following suit, nuzzling up underneath his chin.]
I know you would... But that doesn't mean I wish you to be reckless. Think of things from my point of view, please...
[Even if Noé is plagued by nightmares, he won't ever be alone. Because Vanitas has no plans on leaving him by himself.]
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[ He lets out a sigh into Vanitas' hair. The way his arms tighten around him might giveaway how afraid he was that he'd screwed up that badly. ]
So...next time. I'll bring you with me. If nothing else, it'll give you a chance to finally get your hits in.
[ Because out of everyone, Vanitas deserves to beat the living daylights out of Moreau the most. ]
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[Honestly, part of him want to reassure Noé that it'd take a hell of a lot more than that to drive him away, but... maybe letting him worry a little would be good. Though he's distracted by Noé's offer to let him get his revenge against Moreau.]
You'd really let me at him...? You, who can't stand cruelty and unfair tactics!
[It's a little surprising, honestly. Though perhaps not as much as Vanitas thinks...]
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[ And while Vanitas' assessment is right, consider this. Noé hates Moreau. Moreau is probably one of the only people he's ever thought about killing with his own two hands. ]
And you're also right. I can't stand it. But I'd think it's far more cruel to deny you of getting some hits in.
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[It's truly a rare and frightening thing to see Noé so mad and full of disgust for a person. Though given it's Moreau, he kind of likes that.]
Much appreciated, ma moitié. I must say I relish the thought...
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Then...we'll go together. I promise I won't leave you behind again. And...
[ One more kiss for good measure. ]
Thank you for being my better half tonight. I love you, Vani.
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Thank you... I'd much prefer that.
[This time it's Vanitas' turn to regard his lover with gratitude and compassion, before he touches their foreheads together.]
It's my honor. Because I love you as well, Noé. More than you can fathom.
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Thank you...
[ He closes his eyes, finally feeling at ease next to his partner. ]
You're so strong, Vani. What I went through was awful enough...so that you're here...makes me all the more grateful that I got to meet you.
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