I know. I'm not saying it's you, but me. I'm the one who's the problem here.
[After all, Vincent is willing to give him a second chance, an opportunity to try again. Yet it seems futile when he's mystified by what he should be saying, what magic words will unlock the response he hopes to earn. He lacks the experience necessary to figure that out. Unfortunately, he's much more used to inciting others than appeasing them. Sighing himself, he lets his head droop a bit, ears following suit.]
You're probably right. Still... I'm sorry for having hurt you. That much I want to convey. [Grasping at his jacket, he pulls himself up enough to hesitantly brush his lips over Vincent's.]
[ When those lips meet his, Vincent’s breath soundlessly hitches, pausing in their stride along the forest path. Quite by impulse, he holds their kiss, returning it just so - and when their mouths part, the blond turns his face away to steady himself.
Just as he feared, Vanitas’ tenderness sways him all too easily. More than that, however, the throes of recollection seize his chest, good and bad. Closing his eyes, he’ll attempt to swallow it down the emotion welling up into his throat. ]
I must have seen that, yet I've been… venomous, at best. You should be able to speak freely. [ Teeth dragging over his own bottom lip, he tentatively meets Vanitas’ gaze. ] Forgive me.
[There's something of a rush when Vincent not only holds the kiss but reciprocates it, making Vanitas moan softly in turn. He doesn't even notice they've stopped, not until Vincent turns away, leaving him sighing softly with clawed hand twisting into the fabric of his jacket.
Just getting to kiss him brings a feeling of relief that has him easing himself back into the older man's arms, and he lets his head rest against his chest, gaze locked firmly on those mismatched eyes. Slowly, he shakes his head.]
No, it's alright. You've every right to be angry. I just... hope my words can convey how I feel. [Idly, he reaches up to run a hand through Vincent's hair, fingertips brushing over a horn.]
[ Without meaning to, Vincent cants his head into the other’s touch, lashes drooping as his eyes search Vanitas’.
Briefly, his vision flicks forward, contemplating resting somewhere so that they can speak more freely, eye to eye… but his partner needs food and warmth. So, with a resolute breath, they’ll pursue onward. At least they aren’t incredibly far from the city, by now. ]
I’ll strive to be more accepting of them. I’m listening.
[Smiling ever so slightly at that, Vanitas keeps on stroking, until he moves his hand to Vincent's cheek instead.
As tired as he is, he's grateful that the other man decides to proceed onward, hopefully to somewhere warmer so that he can stop shivering eventually. While the side against Vincent is warm enough, the rest of him remains chilled. So he takes a deep breath to try again.]
I was a fool, selfish and ignorant. I've always been someone who makes rather poor choices, relying on my wit and charm to get me out of them, so I suppose I too you for granted. Something I swear not to do anymore.
[ Leaning his cheek into Vanitas’ palm just so, he listens in silence, briefly glancing down to see the younger man’s face as he quietly hums in appreciation. ]
It’s difficult for me to believe that you hadn’t considered the consequences of your actions, Vani. Or that you could simply charm me out of them. [ Jaw tensing, his nails absently scrape the fabric beneath them. ] You saw what our connection - my jealousy - does to me. I gave you an opportunity to walk away, and you… made me believe you had love for me, instead. You swore that there was nothing between you and that other man, and you slept with him that very night. That isn’t a simple mistake… it was a blatant betrayal… Why?
[Taking his hand back, he curls it against his chest, gripping the fabric of his own shirt tightly.]
Maybe I did subconsciously know that what I was doing was to hurt you. Because... I was scared. Terrified, even. Of the fact anyone could ever feel love for me. I hoped to push you away and keep things the way they were before we met, to maintain the security of being free. But I never thought that it would hurt so much. That I would regret it as I do, and wish I never had strayed in the first place. [Pausing, he takes a steadying breath.] I don't expect you to believe me right away, not after everything. And I suppose asking for a second chance is taking too many liberties...
[ As the dirt pathway leads into stone, Vincent’s vision carefully follows their course ahead. The quiet melancholy which commonly resides behind his eyes is something much more, now; raw and turbulent, as he struggles to understand. ]
It is, indeed, difficult. You lead me to have faith in you, asked for my devotion, and sought my companionship even after you’d decided that I wasn’t worth your dedication… [ Frustration - and something more - faintly warbles his voice. ] Yet, I still love you, all the same. That part of me still wishes to believe that… [ The tension in his body grows, with a slight but sharp shake of his head. ] What is it that you want from me, truly?
[It's probably difficult if not impossible to understand because even Vanitas himself doesn't quite grasp why he did it, or what he hoped to achieve with such actions. Part of him wants to be put down again, but the other part longs to continue being held just like this.]
I know. I'm well aware of all the horrible things I did to you such a short span of time. That's why... all I can do is hope you'll find it within you to be benevolent enough to offer me the chance to prove it was a one-off mistake. [He glances up at Vincent and, upon seeing the hurt in his eyes, glances away again.] You don't have to, of course. I wouldn't blame you if you don't. All I can do is ask. Because what I want of you is to get back what we had.
[ Leaving Vanitas to walk on his own isn’t something that Vincent considers. Far too engrossed in processing their own matters, he hardly even notices the other bystanders, as they enter into the greater city. ]
… Explain to me, what did we have, in your eyes? What could I expect?
[Thankfully, neither does Vanitas, otherwise he might fluster and balk at the show they're providing for everyone. Not that many are so indiscreet as to gawk at them.]
...an understanding, for one. We're both rather ugly, hideous people, and yet you didn't hold that against me, nor I you. We shared in each other, body and mind, and, I think, found comfort in that. Being able to be ourselves without fear of rejection. ....which makes what I did all the more appalling, I know.
[ A sentiment which doesn’t faze Vincent in the slightest. Surely, the other man isn’t as terrible as he believes himself to be, he thinks, but he can acknowledge that they are both deeply flawed individuals with skewed morals. Finding someone who can understand that on a personal level, and not turn away in fear or disgust at the darkest depths of one another… That is invaluable.
With a faint bow of his head, Vincent hums with understanding. ]
Realizing that now, I hope you can understand why it was so difficult to build that trust, and even harder to have it broken… But, perhaps, we could have done better to share more about ourselves with one another. [ A thoughtful frown. ] Is there anything else?
[Perhaps he can't quite hold a candle to everything Vincent has done, but Vanitas knows he's rather despicable and unlikable in his own way. Something he's cultivated and thrived on up until this point, where he suddenly finds himself wanting to be seen as appealing for once. And, go figure, it's the one time he can't seem to convince someone. Ironic.
Nodding, he plucks idly at Vincent's jacket, letting out a hum.]
Yes... I think I do. I think we got too wrapped up in the physical aspect of our relationship and neglected other parts, much to our detriment. [Sighing, he clutches at the other man, turning his face against his chest.] ...only that I'm truly sorry, and if you find it within you to trust me just a little bit, I'll do everything I can to prove to you that I've seen the error of my ways.
[ The way in which his partner picks at his jacket, hides his face, and holds onto him— Vincent can feel his heart softening, aching to invite him back. Sighing heavily, his head sinks to rest his nose atop Vanitas’ silky hair. ]
Significant though that connection may be, is that really the extent of what we had, to you? [ There is disappointment in his voice, vaguely pained. ] Without you, I’ve felt this emptiness which light can’t touch. All I’ve wanted was to have you near me again, or even just to hear your voice, though it would pain me not to hold you. Of course, it’s difficult to deny you that chance, especially now that that you’re here— but I fear our needs may differ too greatly…
[Even though he can feel Vincent's breath tickling at his scalp, he remains hidden against him, unwilling to dare meet his gaze, partially out of fear of what he'll see there, and partially because he simply smells nice.]
Is that honestly not enough...? For me... that's quite a lot. [Which is probably more telling than he'd like, but...] I may not be able to describe my pain in such poetic words, yet being apart has been agonizing to a degree I've never felt before. I craved your companionship, your touch more than anything. All I could wish to do is take back my actions, knowing as I did then that it would drive a wedge between us. [Sighing, he sags in Vincent's arms, letting his hand drop back onto his own chest.] Perhaps you're right, though... maybe there is too much disparity between us.
[ Turning his cheek to rest there, Vincent breaths a quiet sigh. Standing himself up straighter then, he continues on, silence lingering between them for a few long moments. ]
That pain you felt… perhaps it was simply be the imprinting, then. [ Though he clearly struggles to say it, sadness clear in his voice. ] It’s my fault for desiring too much of you, really - and should things turn for the worse, I’ll inevitably cause you suffering.
[Feeling resigned to the inevitable leaves Vanitas quiet as well, though he can't help resting his hand against Vincent's chest.]
I don't think so. [He murmurs quietly, almost to himself.] It isn't just a fondness for you I feel, but a powerful pull that makes me want to be by your side. I've been kicking myself ever since we parted, you know. ...besides, it isn't like I haven't already caused you pain, right? I'm willing to risk it if you are.
[ In truth, he believes that pull must be the imprinting, if all Vanitas feels is some kinship and nothing of love… but if the other man is to say otherwise, perhaps it’s arrogance which makes Vincent think that he knows better. Closing his eyes, he draws a breath. ]
A physical relationship, then? Is that what you’re asking for?
[It's unfortunate that "love" is a four-letter word to Vanitas, a blight to be avoided at all costs, lest he find himself trapped by it, or worse, doomed to die for it. Because despite his near suicidal tendencies, the deepest part of him does want to live. Hesitating a moment, he shakes his head.]
Not just that. I know that's not what you want out of it. I understand you offer more and expect the same in return. Something I'm willing to try giving you, despite feeling inadequate in doing so. ["Love", in so many words.]
[Feeling a faint heat rise to his cheeks, Vanitas huffs softly, again toying with Vincent's lapels.]
Mmhmm. I know I'm hardly the best at this sort of thing, but it's an effort I'm willing to make. For you.
[Never underestimate how bad he is at conveying emotions is the lesson here. But he can't help a sense of relief that washes over him at Vincent's words.]
I'm glad to hear that. For a while there I thought perhaps my hopes were in vain.
[ Regarding his restlessness with some fondness to his eye, a smile might even pluck at an edge of his lips. ]
I only hope it’s what you want, and not some effort to appease me. [ But now, he’ll offer a genuine smile. ] How could I deny a chance at your love, after all?
[At that, he can't help chuckling a bit, though he shakes his head, bumping his cheek against Vincent's chest.]
I know better than to try that anymore. It only made both of us unhappy in the end. [Finally able so smile for real, he beams at him.] You really do have it bad, huh? It's awfully sweet.
[ Some tension eases from Vincent’s form, contently humming at the younger man’s answer. Gently, he’ll place a kiss atop the other’s forehead. There’s reassurance in seeing Vanitas smile like that, to be sure. ]
I’m glad you think so, because I certainly do. Troublesome as you are, I would’ve been worse off without you. Worse all around, I’m sure.
[It's a relief to finally see Vincent begin relaxing after so long being stressed, even if the kiss does make heat flood his cheeks out of embarrassment. Better too many positive feelings than too few.]
Hopefully you won't be worse for having me... That's my one great concern. [Knowing what a mess he is, it's hard to believe any association with him is a good thing.]
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[After all, Vincent is willing to give him a second chance, an opportunity to try again. Yet it seems futile when he's mystified by what he should be saying, what magic words will unlock the response he hopes to earn. He lacks the experience necessary to figure that out. Unfortunately, he's much more used to inciting others than appeasing them. Sighing himself, he lets his head droop a bit, ears following suit.]
You're probably right. Still... I'm sorry for having hurt you. That much I want to convey. [Grasping at his jacket, he pulls himself up enough to hesitantly brush his lips over Vincent's.]
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Just as he feared, Vanitas’ tenderness sways him all too easily. More than that, however, the throes of recollection seize his chest, good and bad. Closing his eyes, he’ll attempt to swallow it down the emotion welling up into his throat. ]
I must have seen that, yet I've been… venomous, at best. You should be able to speak freely. [ Teeth dragging over his own bottom lip, he tentatively meets Vanitas’ gaze. ] Forgive me.
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Just getting to kiss him brings a feeling of relief that has him easing himself back into the older man's arms, and he lets his head rest against his chest, gaze locked firmly on those mismatched eyes. Slowly, he shakes his head.]
No, it's alright. You've every right to be angry. I just... hope my words can convey how I feel. [Idly, he reaches up to run a hand through Vincent's hair, fingertips brushing over a horn.]
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Briefly, his vision flicks forward, contemplating resting somewhere so that they can speak more freely, eye to eye… but his partner needs food and warmth. So, with a resolute breath, they’ll pursue onward. At least they aren’t incredibly far from the city, by now. ]
I’ll strive to be more accepting of them. I’m listening.
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As tired as he is, he's grateful that the other man decides to proceed onward, hopefully to somewhere warmer so that he can stop shivering eventually. While the side against Vincent is warm enough, the rest of him remains chilled. So he takes a deep breath to try again.]
I was a fool, selfish and ignorant. I've always been someone who makes rather poor choices, relying on my wit and charm to get me out of them, so I suppose I too you for granted. Something I swear not to do anymore.
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It’s difficult for me to believe that you hadn’t considered the consequences of your actions, Vani. Or that you could simply charm me out of them. [ Jaw tensing, his nails absently scrape the fabric beneath them. ] You saw what our connection - my jealousy - does to me. I gave you an opportunity to walk away, and you… made me believe you had love for me, instead. You swore that there was nothing between you and that other man, and you slept with him that very night. That isn’t a simple mistake… it was a blatant betrayal… Why?
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Maybe I did subconsciously know that what I was doing was to hurt you. Because... I was scared. Terrified, even. Of the fact anyone could ever feel love for me. I hoped to push you away and keep things the way they were before we met, to maintain the security of being free. But I never thought that it would hurt so much. That I would regret it as I do, and wish I never had strayed in the first place. [Pausing, he takes a steadying breath.] I don't expect you to believe me right away, not after everything. And I suppose asking for a second chance is taking too many liberties...
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It is, indeed, difficult. You lead me to have faith in you, asked for my devotion, and sought my companionship even after you’d decided that I wasn’t worth your dedication… [ Frustration - and something more - faintly warbles his voice. ] Yet, I still love you, all the same. That part of me still wishes to believe that… [ The tension in his body grows, with a slight but sharp shake of his head. ] What is it that you want from me, truly?
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I know. I'm well aware of all the horrible things I did to you such a short span of time. That's why... all I can do is hope you'll find it within you to be benevolent enough to offer me the chance to prove it was a one-off mistake. [He glances up at Vincent and, upon seeing the hurt in his eyes, glances away again.] You don't have to, of course. I wouldn't blame you if you don't. All I can do is ask. Because what I want of you is to get back what we had.
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… Explain to me, what did we have, in your eyes? What could I expect?
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...an understanding, for one. We're both rather ugly, hideous people, and yet you didn't hold that against me, nor I you. We shared in each other, body and mind, and, I think, found comfort in that. Being able to be ourselves without fear of rejection. ....which makes what I did all the more appalling, I know.
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With a faint bow of his head, Vincent hums with understanding. ]
Realizing that now, I hope you can understand why it was so difficult to build that trust, and even harder to have it broken… But, perhaps, we could have done better to share more about ourselves with one another. [ A thoughtful frown. ] Is there anything else?
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Nodding, he plucks idly at Vincent's jacket, letting out a hum.]
Yes... I think I do. I think we got too wrapped up in the physical aspect of our relationship and neglected other parts, much to our detriment. [Sighing, he clutches at the other man, turning his face against his chest.] ...only that I'm truly sorry, and if you find it within you to trust me just a little bit, I'll do everything I can to prove to you that I've seen the error of my ways.
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Significant though that connection may be, is that really the extent of what we had, to you? [ There is disappointment in his voice, vaguely pained. ] Without you, I’ve felt this emptiness which light can’t touch. All I’ve wanted was to have you near me again, or even just to hear your voice, though it would pain me not to hold you. Of course, it’s difficult to deny you that chance, especially now that that you’re here— but I fear our needs may differ too greatly…
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Is that honestly not enough...? For me... that's quite a lot. [Which is probably more telling than he'd like, but...] I may not be able to describe my pain in such poetic words, yet being apart has been agonizing to a degree I've never felt before. I craved your companionship, your touch more than anything. All I could wish to do is take back my actions, knowing as I did then that it would drive a wedge between us. [Sighing, he sags in Vincent's arms, letting his hand drop back onto his own chest.] Perhaps you're right, though... maybe there is too much disparity between us.
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That pain you felt… perhaps it was simply be the imprinting, then. [ Though he clearly struggles to say it, sadness clear in his voice. ] It’s my fault for desiring too much of you, really - and should things turn for the worse, I’ll inevitably cause you suffering.
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I don't think so. [He murmurs quietly, almost to himself.] It isn't just a fondness for you I feel, but a powerful pull that makes me want to be by your side. I've been kicking myself ever since we parted, you know. ...besides, it isn't like I haven't already caused you pain, right? I'm willing to risk it if you are.
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A physical relationship, then? Is that what you’re asking for?
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Not just that. I know that's not what you want out of it. I understand you offer more and expect the same in return. Something I'm willing to try giving you, despite feeling inadequate in doing so. ["Love", in so many words.]
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Is that right…
[ Yet, he’s glad for it, even if that’s something which Vanitas could have mentioned much sooner. Lashes lowering, he exhales with some amusement. ]
If that’s the case… I believe I’d like to try again.
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Mmhmm. I know I'm hardly the best at this sort of thing, but it's an effort I'm willing to make. For you.
[Never underestimate how bad he is at conveying emotions is the lesson here. But he can't help a sense of relief that washes over him at Vincent's words.]
I'm glad to hear that. For a while there I thought perhaps my hopes were in vain.
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I only hope it’s what you want, and not some effort to appease me. [ But now, he’ll offer a genuine smile. ] How could I deny a chance at your love, after all?
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I know better than to try that anymore. It only made both of us unhappy in the end. [Finally able so smile for real, he beams at him.] You really do have it bad, huh? It's awfully sweet.
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I’m glad you think so, because I certainly do. Troublesome as you are, I would’ve been worse off without you. Worse all around, I’m sure.
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Hopefully you won't be worse for having me... That's my one great concern. [Knowing what a mess he is, it's hard to believe any association with him is a good thing.]
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